colgate now pwns tom’s of maine
but hey what the fuck it’s catchy
Legendary newsman Mike Wallace announced that he is retiring from “60 Minutes” at the age of 87. When asked why, Wallace said that he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren now that they’ve also retired.
i beens thinking about making one of these for years: portable urinal
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
their yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
one more time cos this shit rules
hollywood is about to get owned, bitches
these dudes put in work
mad simple beat, but i’m feelin’ it: next episode 2006
you’ll probably relate to this
length, in feet, of the uhaul i drove from SF to LA: 17
length, in feet, of the tow hitch attached to the back of this uhaul, with my car resting on top of it: 14
directions they give you at the uhaul store for driving a combination truck/car hitch for the first time: “just be careful”
reason given by uhaul employee for never having driven a combination truck/car hitch himself: “seems like it would be really hard to back up”
number of cars backed into with said uhaul/tow-hitch combination: 1
time, in minutes, between picking up uhaul and backing into car: 13
first thought upon backing into car: “fuck”
damage done to car: destroyed hubcap
level of amazement on my part that more damage was not done to car: very high
number of hours spent loading said uhaul and cleaning out the last layer of shit from my apartment: 12
number of flaming gay men who threw hissy fits because a uhaul was parked outside their building overnight: 1
number of flaming gay men who called the police because the uhaul in front of their building was an eyesore, despite the fact that it was being driven to LA in less than an hour: 1
number of crackheads that attempted to sneak into my building while i was moving stuff outside: 2
number that succeeded: 1
excuse given by crackhead, when caught, as to what he was doing in my apartment: “just looking around, man.”
number of crackheads that feigned blindness when caught suspiciously eyeing my open front door: 1
number of blind people in the history of the universe can legitimately eye an open front door: 0
number of dollars it costs to fill the tank of a 17′ uhaul: 84
number of car tires one must tether to the tow hitch to assure that said car will not slip off: 2
number of tires which came untethered from tow hitch while driving, simultaneously: 2
length of time spent towing a car on the 5 freeway that was not fastened down, balanced merely by its own weight: 1-2 hours
number of times drew saved my car from non-existence by noticing and fixing said fastening disaster: 1
number of average snowstorms per year on the grapevine, a mountain which must be driven over when taking the 5 freeway between san francisco and los angeles: 0
number of snowstorms which took place on the evening of march 11: 1
visibility, in feet, on the grapevine on the night of march 11: about 6
number of minutes spent attempting to drive up the grapevine with no traction whatsoever, flooring the accelerator while burning rubber and sliding backwards: about 5
number of minutes during which both myself and drew thought we were going to die in a firey blaze, taking dozens more with us on our descent back down the grapevine: about 5
number of religions headquartered within 400 yards of my new home: 1
number of streets named “L Ron Hubbard Way” within 400 yards of my new home: 1
number of times i’ve seen andrew dice clay wearing wrestling gloves, buying a new television set at the best buy on the corner of santa monica blvd and la brea: 1
number of hot girls shopping at the whole foods in west hollywood at any given moment: roughly 1 zillion
number of bombs i’m about to go drop in my new toilet: a bunch
now check out the pitchers
for gameboy micro owners
south park vs. scientology