length, in feet, of the uhaul i drove from SF to LA: 17

length, in feet, of the tow hitch attached to the back of this uhaul, with my car resting on top of it: 14

directions they give you at the uhaul store for driving a combination truck/car hitch for the first time: “just be careful”

reason given by uhaul employee for never having driven a combination truck/car hitch himself: “seems like it would be really hard to back up”

number of cars backed into with said uhaul/tow-hitch combination: 1

time, in minutes, between picking up uhaul and backing into car: 13

first thought upon backing into car: “fuck”

damage done to car: destroyed hubcap

level of amazement on my part that more damage was not done to car: very high

number of hours spent loading said uhaul and cleaning out the last layer of shit from my apartment: 12

number of flaming gay men who threw hissy fits because a uhaul was parked outside their building overnight: 1

number of flaming gay men who called the police because the uhaul in front of their building was an eyesore, despite the fact that it was being driven to LA in less than an hour: 1

number of crackheads that attempted to sneak into my building while i was moving stuff outside: 2

number that succeeded: 1

excuse given by crackhead, when caught, as to what he was doing in my apartment: “just looking around, man.”

number of crackheads that feigned blindness when caught suspiciously eyeing my open front door: 1

number of blind people in the history of the universe can legitimately eye an open front door: 0

number of dollars it costs to fill the tank of a 17′ uhaul: 84

number of car tires one must tether to the tow hitch to assure that said car will not slip off: 2

number of tires which came untethered from tow hitch while driving, simultaneously: 2

length of time spent towing a car on the 5 freeway that was not fastened down, balanced merely by its own weight: 1-2 hours

number of times drew saved my car from non-existence by noticing and fixing said fastening disaster: 1

number of average snowstorms per year on the grapevine, a mountain which must be driven over when taking the 5 freeway between san francisco and los angeles: 0

number of snowstorms which took place on the evening of march 11: 1

visibility, in feet, on the grapevine on the night of march 11: about 6

number of minutes spent attempting to drive up the grapevine with no traction whatsoever, flooring the accelerator while burning rubber and sliding backwards: about 5

number of minutes during which both myself and drew thought we were going to die in a firey blaze, taking dozens more with us on our descent back down the grapevine: about 5

number of religions headquartered within 400 yards of my new home: 1

number of streets named “L Ron Hubbard Way” within 400 yards of my new home: 1

number of times i’ve seen andrew dice clay wearing wrestling gloves, buying a new television set at the best buy on the corner of santa monica blvd and la brea: 1

number of hot girls shopping at the whole foods in west hollywood at any given moment: roughly 1 zillion

number of bombs i’m about to go drop in my new toilet: a bunch

now check out the pitchers